1 year in Heaven 2.26.11

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Thoughts...

This coming Saturday, February 26th, is the 1 year mark since Kara Faith flew to Jesus. I really think of it as Friday because that was the true day... Not sure what to do with myself. So much I have wanted to do for her, for me, for the kids, my husband, but things don't allow this. I think sometimes I am just stuck in being sad. I know where she is and I know by the grace of Father God I will see her again when I die, but it still hurts so much NOW. It's hard to fit grieving in with raising my large family, so I've pushed it into this little box and stamped the lid down. That's pretty much where I'm at right now. I want to run away somewhere for a week and deal with all of this, but that's not going to happen. And, I don't know if that would really fix things.  I want to have JOY again. Praying for that daily... and hoping I never fall apart.


It's really hard to grieve when everybody needs you.  (I need them, too.)  There's no time to do it.  In a way, over the past year, that may have been a blessing.  I don't have time to get stuck in it.  I think some people think I should be over this by now.  This is just an impression I have.  If you can't ever "go there" then how do you get "over it."  I will never get over the beautiful gift of life God gave me in my daughter...  I am just learning to fall and walk forward, in faith.


(I'm just calling this" Nancy in the Raw.")

A Tribute

Kara Faith flew to Jesus on 2.26.10.  It was a Friday.  Today, Friday, is one week from the actual one year mark.  We have all been thinking about it.  Yesterday, I received an encouraging phone call from my oldest daughter, Celeste, age 19.  She is going to college in Illinois and is taking a public speaking course.  She starts off telling me that she just left class where she gave a 5 minute speech.  She told me that after the other speeches there was applause.  The topic--Tribute.  I thought she was going to tell me about how she wrote a tribute to her lovely grandmother, Loray Dailey, who was such a magnificent woman.  (She passed away in October 2008 from complications from treatment for RA. Celeste also has this condition.)  But no, my Celeste told me she gave a tribute to her youngest sister, Kara Faith.  She stood in front of a large class and gave testimony to the impact Kara Faith had on her life, and others.  I know how hard that must have been to do without crying.  When Celeste sat down there was no immediate applause.  Half the class was crying...

I am so proud of my daughter, Celeste Marie Dailey.  Thank you for honoring your sister, the Lord, your Mom, and your family.  Celeste said, "In 49 days she had changed more lives than I have in my 19 years. This shows us that it is not the amount of life that we have… but it is how we choose live it."   Kara Faith did this without speaking an audible word.  I love you, Celeste.  You are just as brave as your littlest sister!

Read notes for Celeste's speech here.

Brokenness

On this day last year Miss Kara Faith was still alive.  She had her trial off of the vent.  (See January 28, 2010) I remember being very afraid.  I am not afraid anymore.  Not for her.  The Selah song that is on this blog says that "people say that I am brave, but I'm not.  Truth is I'm barely hanging on..."  I feel that today.  Recent events have caused me to be here again.  I am a mother of eight.  Only five are home with me now.  In the past 30 days my two older children have moved away.  I feel Kara's loss that much more.  I ache for my children.  While there is still plenty of life left to live and children to teach and love, I still feel broken.  The other day I got a picture of myself as a shattered clay pot.  If someone were to glue that pot back together it would never be as it was before it broke.  It may have holes, lines, imperfections.  It is true that when something like losing a child happens you will never be the same.  I hear you need to find a new normal.  This week, Kara Faith has been gone from us for 11 months.  I still haven't found my new normal.  I begin to wonder when I will settle in--probably not right now as our family is going through more adjustments to living life differently with 2 more children away.

I usually find comfort in the Cross of Christ.  I will see her again some day.  I know this, but at times I still mourn, I still cry, I still feel crushed, I still wish it all could have been different.  I pray that He would bring me JOY on a daily basis and not just in moments here and there.  I have HoPE that He will do it.  So in the meantime, I wait with expectation.  Until then when I am weak, He will be strong.

And now, since it is Friday, I will wear purple, I will go get flowers for her spot, and I will have a donut.  And I will remember...

One Singular Sensation!

Happy 1st Birthday, Kara Faith!
(Turn off the blog music at the bottom of the page to watch this celebration video.)

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

A Gift for Kara Faith

Recently, we were out-of-town for Christmas.  We came home to a pleasant surprise--the vase for Kara Faith's monument had been delivered and installed.  Now there is a lovely place for her flowers.  On Friday, Kara's "special" day, I brought out some flowers for her new vase.  It appears that white daisies are out of season, but I found a bunch with a pink Gerber Daisy and some other purple flowers, so that was the one.  You will notice that we have "Our Little Peanut" engraved on the back of the vase.  This is so that her name is listed together with the rest of our family.  It is really difficult for me to feel complete without her here...

A neat thing happened when Stuart and I were there to deliver her 1st bunch of flowers.  We heard an owl hooting at us from a nearby tree.  Why is this special?  Stuart loved reading to Kara.  One of his favorite books is Owl Moon.  Please read my post, Daddy's Gift , about our special memories with this book and Kara.  Stuart and I went looking for our feathered friend.  We think we located the tree, but he must have been hiding very well.  We still have hope... the "kind of hope that flies on shining wings under a silent Owl Moon."

Kara Faith's 1st Birthday is this Saturday, January 8th.  Please celebrate with us by wearing purple or lavender in her honor.  You can eat donuts or any sweets, too!  Please consider donating to your local NICU or children's hospital or donating to String of Pearls.  Thank you!

Christmas at Kara's

Happy 11 month birthday today, sweet Kara Faith! I know you are in Heaven, but it sure made your Mommy feel good to decorate your "spot in the park." We found purple and silver heart-shaped ornaments and hung them on your Dogwood tree. Also, there's a pink stocking with a big, beautiful "K" for Kara. (You can thank Max for that! Your Momma lost it in the middle of Target when he brought it over...) This Christmas season has been a melancholy time. We took your crib out of your room and made it into a toddler bed. Then Mommy moved your boxes and your things and put up the Christmas tree in that spot. Still need to go through some of that, but haven't had the heart to do it. One day soon, I will. Today, Mommy's friend, Lorie, gave her a beautiful ornament for the tree in your memory--it says FAITH. This Christmas it is Mommy's HoPE that we all put our faith in Jesus and celebrate what a gift God gave us when He came into this world. We all know first hand what God can do with a little baby. Until I see you again,

I love you Little Peanut...

It's here!

We were so excited last Friday when we got the call that North Florida Monument was at Kara Faith's spot in the park to install her beautiful marker. Since Friday is Little Peanut's special day, we were tickled pink to have such wonderful news! A vase will go on the side--it is on order. I hope by spring we will be able to get a bench to put nearby, so the lovely FL red ants won't bother us while we are visiting. I just wanted to share with you all!

Miss Kara Faith's Friday

On a Friday, at 6:42 a.m. exactly 9 months ago, little 5 pound, 14 ounce Kara Faith was born. Her birthday is January 8th. Today is purple day--the girls will wear purple (or lavender) which is Kara's color. I have many internet friends that wear purple on Fridays in memory of Kara. I am very thankful for their thoughtfulness. Every Friday, after her birth, we would celebrate another week with her by having donuts from Krispy Kreme. Since Little Peanut was born and flew to Jesus on a Friday we have donuts and wear purple. Today is more special than that because it is her "9 month birthday." Stu and I will take daisies to her spot in the park. I will read Psalm 139 over her and sing today for Kara. We are missing her so much. So today I am remembering...

Kara's headstone was ordered almost 2 weeks ago. We are expecting it to be done soon and can't wait to share it here. It is truly beautiful and we are so thankful for it, and her. God has a plan for us even though we can't see it. I am still trusting in Him.

Daisies for Kara

The Field Daisy

I'm a pretty little thing,

Always coming with the spring;

In the meadows green I'm found,

Peeping just above the ground,

And my stalk is cover'd flat

With a white and yellow hat.

Little Kara, when you pass

Lightly o'er the tender grass,

Skip about, but do not tread

On my bright but lowly head,

For I always seem to say,

"Surely winter's gone away."

(A poem by Ann Taylor--altered by changing the name to Kara.)

Kara Faith left this world during the winter and, surely, just as this poem says, it has "gone away" for her. As we put her little white casket in the ground that early March day the first signs of spring could be seen. I believe those signs pointed to the Eternal Hope that we have in Jesus. He makes all things new! (Rev. 21:5) Kara Faith, you are new now...

A Daughter is a Gift

Celeste holding her baby sister for the first time.

(10 days old)

My 3 girls: Celeste Marie, Eden Joy, & Kara Faith

Moved to Tears

Max watches over his sweet sister who is 1 week old.

Love is Kara's big brother, Dan. (1 week old)

Daddy holding his little globug--1 day old.

I came across these pictures today and they moved me to tears. In the days after Kara Faith was born my time was limited in going through the pictures and posting on her. I so distinctly remember these moments that are pictured here. First, Kara was 1 day old when we went down to the NICU to visit her and found her under orange & blue bili-lights. Yes, they were orange and blue--Go Gators! I love the sweet picture of her with her daddy. Also, Dan & Max spent many hours in the NICU with their baby sister. Here are a couple of her wrapped up in the EEG wires. They brought tears to my eyes because I hated her having those tests done. They were on her for 48 hours plus that time because it was over a weekend and their tests were done, but no one was around to take them off. At that point, we didn't know exactly how long she would be with us and we just wanted to hold her and love her and the EEG got in the way of bonding with our baby. Both Dan and Max took this in stride and you can see how much they love their sister.

The pain of losing her surfaces in spurts now.

Holding My Breath

Did you ever hold your breath so that you wouldn't lose the moment? That is what it was like holding her, being next to her. Each moment so wonderful with her sweet spirit I didn't want to let that breath out and lose it, or lose her. Forty-nine days of holding my breath... Days of tension, unforgettable minutes, hours with her. Some days I am holding on to that so tight that I can think of nothing else. What if I forget? Some days I am like a boat lost at sea being thrown this way and that on the waves and not caring where I end up. Today, tonight it came crashing down on me again. I found myself holding my breath once again. It won't bring her back. I want to remember her moving inside of me. I want to freeze the feeling, the moment. I want to feel the weight of her in my arms again and hear her breathing.

Kara Faith had such a sweet, gentle spirit. I am thinking of two people in particular that remarked on it. One was her PT, Jenna, that said she just loved working with Kara because of her sweet spirit. Another was our good friend Donnie who was remarkably affected by her spirit and how much she spoke "life" to him.

Some days I don't know if I will ever recover, if I will ever be the same person I used to be, if I will ever feel joy and happiness for more than a fleeting moment. I'm still holding my breath. I am a much better person for having known her, for having been given the gift of her. I can ask "why?" to God and I can wish it were different, but it doesn't make it so. I do know this though. I will see her again. I will hold her in my arms and I will know that sweet spirit once again.

But for now I am just holding my breath...

Walking the Walk

It probably wouldn't be a surprise for anyone for me to admit that I struggle some days with the home going of my sweet baby girl, Kara Faith. Recently, I attended a baby shower for a lovely young lady that is having her first baby, a girl. I rejoice with her. What I didn't expect was that during opening the gifts I started to realize that Kara would never wear those cute baby clothes, or take a bath that needed a cute little hooded towel, or use a pacifier. It has been almost 4 months since she left us, but I still have those moments where I'm right back to the last days she was with us, or the feelings I had right after her death. We never had a baby shower for her--not even a small one. In the back of my mind when I was pregnant with her the question was, "How do you have a baby shower for a baby that you don't even know will live?" That was heartbreaking to think of. I suppose it still is.

Here Stu is feeding our baby girl as she sits in the bouncy I bought for her. Even the normal things we did with Kara Faith were extraordinary to us.

Grief is like a roller coaster. Some days you are up and some days you are down. I had someone express to me that has lost a baby recently that sometimes you are afraid you'll get stuck in the spiral on that roller coaster, too. I have had those days and am very familiar with them. My hubby just pointed out to me that we started grieving for Kara Faith at 15 weeks gestation. God has been good to us. He has given us peace during this process. I somewhat feel that that peace is starting to lift and I am feeling her life and loss more acutely than before. It may be that I just stuffed it all in a box and was trying to keep the lid on it because it was too much to deal with at the moment. We made some hard decisions in the wake of her leaving us. Life has just been hard in other areas that would be a challenge under normal circumstances, but we were truly walking through a fire... We are currently praying for direction in how to proceed with schooling our children at home, Stuart's work, and acquiring a new peace and joy in our lives. The "new normal" is a daily adjustment. Jesus is standing right by me through this and is not offended at my ramblings. He can handle my grief. He is the most sure thing that exists in this world.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?.... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8: 35 & 37-39

Noble Purposes

Part of my purpose in this life is to be Kara Faith's voice. I do this with a trembling faith. I wish she had lived. I would be lying to you if I shared that I had complete peace about the situation. My desire has always been to bring God the Glory through losing her. This is not always easy to walk out. For some reason, and I suppose it's just the way grief is, I have been very sorrowful the past couple of weeks. It's like I'm right back there after she died, but now I don't feel that inner peace that God gave me to get through that rough time. All of life continues and the world goes relentlessly on around me yet my heart still hurts and yearns for my baby. I'm not sure how to come to terms with all of this. I suppose it will take a lifetime. I am currently thinking on what I can carry with me that would be a piece of her. Also, we are getting ready to order her gravestone. I just feel right that it should be heart-shaped and have some writing on the back with possibly our names and "littlest of eight" or something similar. We're just saving our pennies for that. I am just so melancholy. So if you see me around and ask me how I'm doing don't let the smile and the response fool you, there is something deep and unsearchable going on inside. I am pondering these things in my heart. They lead me to Him. Him who made me. Him who made her... And almost every day little Eden Joy draws pictures for her "baby Kara." This warms my soul. Tonight Joshua, age 2, peeked into her crib and whispered her name. These two little ones were the biggest reason I wanted to get her home to be part of our family. Those 4 days. They made a difference to Eden and Joshua. She made a difference to many more...


"But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?" Romans 9:20-21

And Little Miss Kara, I believe you were made for a noble purpose...

(I have been reading I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. Her words have inspired me to share this today. In addition, God directed my eyes to the above scripture during our church service today.)

Love is right here...

Love is right here ~ Love is alive...

Kara Faith's big sister, Celeste, holding Eden Joy and Joshua right after we put Kara in the ground... Her white limo in the background. I came across this picture again today and it is precious.

More of us and her...

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Turn off Kara's music at the bottom of the page. This is a slideshow I made for Stuart in March on his 42nd birthday. It is more of our whole family and of course includes a lot of Kara Faith. He was an amazing Daddy to Kara Faith. His endurance would have tested the limits of any man. Dedicated and loving and faithful to her he was and is. Thank you for our little girl, Stuart!

I heart Kara Faith

My sweet little Peanut sits on Ms. Teri's lap. I love her in this little heart outfit that her big sister, Celeste, got for her. Right now, some days, I have to remind myself that Kara Faith was here and she was real. I just don't want to forget anything about her...

My New Favorite

She was such a sweet spirit. You can see it here...

Collage of Kara...

Today she has been gone from us for 8 weeks... Kara is sitting on Jesus' lap. What a wonderous thing that must be! I am wearing my purple and awaiting donuts. Enjoy her pictures!