Sunday, May 23, 2010

Noble Purposes

Part of my purpose in this life is to be Kara Faith's voice. I do this with a trembling faith. I wish she had lived. I would be lying to you if I shared that I had complete peace about the situation. My desire has always been to bring God the Glory through losing her. This is not always easy to walk out. For some reason, and I suppose it's just the way grief is, I have been very sorrowful the past couple of weeks. It's like I'm right back there after she died, but now I don't feel that inner peace that God gave me to get through that rough time. All of life continues and the world goes relentlessly on around me yet my heart still hurts and yearns for my baby. I'm not sure how to come to terms with all of this. I suppose it will take a lifetime. I am currently thinking on what I can carry with me that would be a piece of her. Also, we are getting ready to order her gravestone. I just feel right that it should be heart-shaped and have some writing on the back with possibly our names and "littlest of eight" or something similar. We're just saving our pennies for that. I am just so melancholy. So if you see me around and ask me how I'm doing don't let the smile and the response fool you, there is something deep and unsearchable going on inside. I am pondering these things in my heart. They lead me to Him. Him who made me. Him who made her... And almost every day little Eden Joy draws pictures for her "baby Kara." This warms my soul. Tonight Joshua, age 2, peeked into her crib and whispered her name. These two little ones were the biggest reason I wanted to get her home to be part of our family. Those 4 days. They made a difference to Eden and Joshua. She made a difference to many more...


"But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?" Romans 9:20-21

And Little Miss Kara, I believe you were made for a noble purpose...

(I have been reading I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. Her words have inspired me to share this today. In addition, God directed my eyes to the above scripture during our church service today.)

4 comments:

Mary said...

Grief is so odd how it sweeps over us in tidal waves, so unexpectedly at times. It is Ok to struggle with God's goodness vs. this world's brokenness. Jacob wrestled with God and was blessed. Praying for you as you walk this strange and heavy road, Nancy.

By the way, the gravestone ideas you have sound lovely.

walkingwithangels said...

I am 18 months into my person grief journey and still now i find some days the pain overwhelms me. God knows we struggle with losing our children and he personally knows how much pain we feel. Hold on to him as tight as possible. I imerse myself in his word to give me strength to constantly remind myself that death is only a temporay seperation.

Hugs for you all. Writing the words for Livvy's gravestone was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.Take care of yourself and give yourself time xxx

HeavenlyHome said...

There is something about that time when God get's us back on our feet, and those first feelings of peace and power aren't...as peaceful and powerful. I made a similar post at 2 and 3/4 months...
http://heavenlyhome-brianandcatherine.blogspot.com/2010_02_01_archive.html

Each day we walk is one day closer to having our angels back in our arms.

Prayers for you. And me. And all of us trying to praise God through the pain.

Cheryl said...

Wonderful reflections, thank you for sharing. I love the idea of a heart stone with something special on the back. But (I'm sorry if you can not or it's not my place to say so) but my first thought about "littlest of eight" was what if you are blessed with more children? Then she'll be the angel of 9...or more.