Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Holding My Breath

Did you ever hold your breath so that you wouldn't lose the moment? That is what it was like holding her, being next to her. Each moment so wonderful with her sweet spirit I didn't want to let that breath out and lose it, or lose her. Forty-nine days of holding my breath... Days of tension, unforgettable minutes, hours with her. Some days I am holding on to that so tight that I can think of nothing else. What if I forget? Some days I am like a boat lost at sea being thrown this way and that on the waves and not caring where I end up. Today, tonight it came crashing down on me again. I found myself holding my breath once again. It won't bring her back. I want to remember her moving inside of me. I want to freeze the feeling, the moment. I want to feel the weight of her in my arms again and hear her breathing.

Kara Faith had such a sweet, gentle spirit. I am thinking of two people in particular that remarked on it. One was her PT, Jenna, that said she just loved working with Kara because of her sweet spirit. Another was our good friend Donnie who was remarkably affected by her spirit and how much she spoke "life" to him.

Some days I don't know if I will ever recover, if I will ever be the same person I used to be, if I will ever feel joy and happiness for more than a fleeting moment. I'm still holding my breath. I am a much better person for having known her, for having been given the gift of her. I can ask "why?" to God and I can wish it were different, but it doesn't make it so. I do know this though. I will see her again. I will hold her in my arms and I will know that sweet spirit once again.

But for now I am just holding my breath...

6 comments:

Mary said...

I don't know that you will ever be the same person again...and that is OK! You will have grown and changed, you are different. You are Kara's mommy now, the woman who gave her life and held her and loved her until her sweet spirit went to Heaven. Would you want to go back?

But joy will come again, in time. Just be willing to wait for it...

Mary said...

It is sad but the old you will not be coming back. The new you that you are transforming into will find peace. The new you will find joy again. Let the healing take it's time. We all want to rush but only time will heal you. ((hugs))

culvermama7 said...

Nancy,

I am so sorry to read about the loss of Kara Faith. I was behind on MOMYS and came across your story. I want to encourage you, I know exactly where you are. Our fourth child, Gabriella Grace was born 12-08-03 and died 12-12-03. She was diagnosed with Mosaic Triploidy at 17 weeks gestation. So we knew for 23 weeks that she was not going to live. Reading your blog, I am immediately taken back to my experience and I want to tell you that EVERYTHING you have written is how I have felt or still feel. 6 yrs later I find myself holding my breath, trying to remember what she felt like, her smell. My Gabi also had the sweetest spirit. I think God gives them these tender spirits to leave us with incredible memories.

I am praying for you and if you ever want to vent to someone who has been "there" and somedays still is, I would be blessed to listen.

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Monica Culver MOMYS to 6 here and a daughter in Heaven.

Chris in FL--Joyful Mother said...

So you know.... My eyes continue to fill up with tears when I read anything about Kara and especially to feel just a glimpse of the pain you felt and are still feeling.

Oh yes... Kara will FOREVER be deep in my heart. I am still learning some things about what I went through while praying for her. I know it was for a reason for me to come along this ride with you all. I don't completely understand and am still asking as I live out my daily life. Even some of the circumstances I am going through today, I believe God uses the time I spent with you to truly humble me and bring me to my knees. Truly, my heart can't even begin to comprehend it all.

And yep, just like you said "we" will see her again.

Love you Nancy, my sweet friend!

Crystal Theresa said...

nancy, i can definitely see Kara Faith's beautiful spirit in all of your photographs of her - the sweetness shows through. sending hugs your way.

Kristi said...

You dont know me...I stumbled upon your blog through a friend that we both share.
Your words, express perfectly the beautifulness of the experience you and your family went through.

God Bless you for sharing your journey.

HUGS
Kristi Hopkins