Thursday, June 17, 2010

Walking the Walk

It probably wouldn't be a surprise for anyone for me to admit that I struggle some days with the home going of my sweet baby girl, Kara Faith. Recently, I attended a baby shower for a lovely young lady that is having her first baby, a girl. I rejoice with her. What I didn't expect was that during opening the gifts I started to realize that Kara would never wear those cute baby clothes, or take a bath that needed a cute little hooded towel, or use a pacifier. It has been almost 4 months since she left us, but I still have those moments where I'm right back to the last days she was with us, or the feelings I had right after her death. We never had a baby shower for her--not even a small one. In the back of my mind when I was pregnant with her the question was, "How do you have a baby shower for a baby that you don't even know will live?" That was heartbreaking to think of. I suppose it still is.

Here Stu is feeding our baby girl as she sits in the bouncy I bought for her. Even the normal things we did with Kara Faith were extraordinary to us.
Grief is like a roller coaster. Some days you are up and some days you are down. I had someone express to me that has lost a baby recently that sometimes you are afraid you'll get stuck in the spiral on that roller coaster, too. I have had those days and am very familiar with them. My hubby just pointed out to me that we started grieving for Kara Faith at 15 weeks gestation. God has been good to us. He has given us peace during this process. I somewhat feel that that peace is starting to lift and I am feeling her life and loss more acutely than before. It may be that I just stuffed it all in a box and was trying to keep the lid on it because it was too much to deal with at the moment. We made some hard decisions in the wake of her leaving us. Life has just been hard in other areas that would be a challenge under normal circumstances, but we were truly walking through a fire... We are currently praying for direction in how to proceed with schooling our children at home, Stuart's work, and acquiring a new peace and joy in our lives. The "new normal" is a daily adjustment. Jesus is standing right by me through this and is not offended at my ramblings. He can handle my grief. He is the most sure thing that exists in this world.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?.... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8: 35 & 37-39

6 comments:

Chris in FL--Joyful Mother said...

And here too. :) same as I said on the other blog.

HeavenlyHome said...

Loving you and our angels from afar.

Mary said...

Satan takes the oppertunity to attack when we are most vulnerable...in our grief. We have felt it too.

God is faithful to stand beside you, even in desperation, anger, dissapointment, and sadness. Praise Him for that!

homeschool101 said...

Your blog has been an inspiring blog from the start. You have truly blessed me as I follow you. I think about Kara and your family often. Always in my prayers.

I awarded you at my blog for your courage and inspiration to others sharing about your journey. May God bless you and your family and hold you close as you continue on to the next paths ahead. God Bless you and your family.

http://coneshomeschool101.blogspot.com/2010/06/awards.html

MotherGoose518 said...

:(

In the other pictures you've posted of Kara don't show how tiny she was... you can clearly see how itty bitty she was in this picture! So sweet...

Rylee and Heather said...

Your words are sooooo sad and yet strong and peaceful at the same time. I CANNOT imagine having a child die in my arms. I have that fear in the back of my mind every moment, every day; when I look at my Micro. baby, Ella I thank God for every second. True tears here......