Brokenness

On this day last year Miss Kara Faith was still alive.  She had her trial off of the vent.  (See January 28, 2010) I remember being very afraid.  I am not afraid anymore.  Not for her.  The Selah song that is on this blog says that "people say that I am brave, but I'm not.  Truth is I'm barely hanging on..."  I feel that today.  Recent events have caused me to be here again.  I am a mother of eight.  Only five are home with me now.  In the past 30 days my two older children have moved away.  I feel Kara's loss that much more.  I ache for my children.  While there is still plenty of life left to live and children to teach and love, I still feel broken.  The other day I got a picture of myself as a shattered clay pot.  If someone were to glue that pot back together it would never be as it was before it broke.  It may have holes, lines, imperfections.  It is true that when something like losing a child happens you will never be the same.  I hear you need to find a new normal.  This week, Kara Faith has been gone from us for 11 months.  I still haven't found my new normal.  I begin to wonder when I will settle in--probably not right now as our family is going through more adjustments to living life differently with 2 more children away.

I usually find comfort in the Cross of Christ.  I will see her again some day.  I know this, but at times I still mourn, I still cry, I still feel crushed, I still wish it all could have been different.  I pray that He would bring me JOY on a daily basis and not just in moments here and there.  I have HoPE that He will do it.  So in the meantime, I wait with expectation.  Until then when I am weak, He will be strong.

And now, since it is Friday, I will wear purple, I will go get flowers for her spot, and I will have a donut.  And I will remember...