A Daughter is a Gift

Celeste holding her baby sister for the first time.

(10 days old)

My 3 girls: Celeste Marie, Eden Joy, & Kara Faith

Moved to Tears

Max watches over his sweet sister who is 1 week old.

Love is Kara's big brother, Dan. (1 week old)

Daddy holding his little globug--1 day old.

I came across these pictures today and they moved me to tears. In the days after Kara Faith was born my time was limited in going through the pictures and posting on her. I so distinctly remember these moments that are pictured here. First, Kara was 1 day old when we went down to the NICU to visit her and found her under orange & blue bili-lights. Yes, they were orange and blue--Go Gators! I love the sweet picture of her with her daddy. Also, Dan & Max spent many hours in the NICU with their baby sister. Here are a couple of her wrapped up in the EEG wires. They brought tears to my eyes because I hated her having those tests done. They were on her for 48 hours plus that time because it was over a weekend and their tests were done, but no one was around to take them off. At that point, we didn't know exactly how long she would be with us and we just wanted to hold her and love her and the EEG got in the way of bonding with our baby. Both Dan and Max took this in stride and you can see how much they love their sister.

The pain of losing her surfaces in spurts now.

Holding My Breath

Did you ever hold your breath so that you wouldn't lose the moment? That is what it was like holding her, being next to her. Each moment so wonderful with her sweet spirit I didn't want to let that breath out and lose it, or lose her. Forty-nine days of holding my breath... Days of tension, unforgettable minutes, hours with her. Some days I am holding on to that so tight that I can think of nothing else. What if I forget? Some days I am like a boat lost at sea being thrown this way and that on the waves and not caring where I end up. Today, tonight it came crashing down on me again. I found myself holding my breath once again. It won't bring her back. I want to remember her moving inside of me. I want to freeze the feeling, the moment. I want to feel the weight of her in my arms again and hear her breathing.

Kara Faith had such a sweet, gentle spirit. I am thinking of two people in particular that remarked on it. One was her PT, Jenna, that said she just loved working with Kara because of her sweet spirit. Another was our good friend Donnie who was remarkably affected by her spirit and how much she spoke "life" to him.

Some days I don't know if I will ever recover, if I will ever be the same person I used to be, if I will ever feel joy and happiness for more than a fleeting moment. I'm still holding my breath. I am a much better person for having known her, for having been given the gift of her. I can ask "why?" to God and I can wish it were different, but it doesn't make it so. I do know this though. I will see her again. I will hold her in my arms and I will know that sweet spirit once again.

But for now I am just holding my breath...

Walking the Walk

It probably wouldn't be a surprise for anyone for me to admit that I struggle some days with the home going of my sweet baby girl, Kara Faith. Recently, I attended a baby shower for a lovely young lady that is having her first baby, a girl. I rejoice with her. What I didn't expect was that during opening the gifts I started to realize that Kara would never wear those cute baby clothes, or take a bath that needed a cute little hooded towel, or use a pacifier. It has been almost 4 months since she left us, but I still have those moments where I'm right back to the last days she was with us, or the feelings I had right after her death. We never had a baby shower for her--not even a small one. In the back of my mind when I was pregnant with her the question was, "How do you have a baby shower for a baby that you don't even know will live?" That was heartbreaking to think of. I suppose it still is.

Here Stu is feeding our baby girl as she sits in the bouncy I bought for her. Even the normal things we did with Kara Faith were extraordinary to us.

Grief is like a roller coaster. Some days you are up and some days you are down. I had someone express to me that has lost a baby recently that sometimes you are afraid you'll get stuck in the spiral on that roller coaster, too. I have had those days and am very familiar with them. My hubby just pointed out to me that we started grieving for Kara Faith at 15 weeks gestation. God has been good to us. He has given us peace during this process. I somewhat feel that that peace is starting to lift and I am feeling her life and loss more acutely than before. It may be that I just stuffed it all in a box and was trying to keep the lid on it because it was too much to deal with at the moment. We made some hard decisions in the wake of her leaving us. Life has just been hard in other areas that would be a challenge under normal circumstances, but we were truly walking through a fire... We are currently praying for direction in how to proceed with schooling our children at home, Stuart's work, and acquiring a new peace and joy in our lives. The "new normal" is a daily adjustment. Jesus is standing right by me through this and is not offended at my ramblings. He can handle my grief. He is the most sure thing that exists in this world.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?.... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8: 35 & 37-39

Noble Purposes

Part of my purpose in this life is to be Kara Faith's voice. I do this with a trembling faith. I wish she had lived. I would be lying to you if I shared that I had complete peace about the situation. My desire has always been to bring God the Glory through losing her. This is not always easy to walk out. For some reason, and I suppose it's just the way grief is, I have been very sorrowful the past couple of weeks. It's like I'm right back there after she died, but now I don't feel that inner peace that God gave me to get through that rough time. All of life continues and the world goes relentlessly on around me yet my heart still hurts and yearns for my baby. I'm not sure how to come to terms with all of this. I suppose it will take a lifetime. I am currently thinking on what I can carry with me that would be a piece of her. Also, we are getting ready to order her gravestone. I just feel right that it should be heart-shaped and have some writing on the back with possibly our names and "littlest of eight" or something similar. We're just saving our pennies for that. I am just so melancholy. So if you see me around and ask me how I'm doing don't let the smile and the response fool you, there is something deep and unsearchable going on inside. I am pondering these things in my heart. They lead me to Him. Him who made me. Him who made her... And almost every day little Eden Joy draws pictures for her "baby Kara." This warms my soul. Tonight Joshua, age 2, peeked into her crib and whispered her name. These two little ones were the biggest reason I wanted to get her home to be part of our family. Those 4 days. They made a difference to Eden and Joshua. She made a difference to many more...


"But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?" Romans 9:20-21

And Little Miss Kara, I believe you were made for a noble purpose...

(I have been reading I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. Her words have inspired me to share this today. In addition, God directed my eyes to the above scripture during our church service today.)

Love is right here...

Love is right here ~ Love is alive...

Kara Faith's big sister, Celeste, holding Eden Joy and Joshua right after we put Kara in the ground... Her white limo in the background. I came across this picture again today and it is precious.

More of us and her...

Free picture slideshow customized with Smilebox

Turn off Kara's music at the bottom of the page. This is a slideshow I made for Stuart in March on his 42nd birthday. It is more of our whole family and of course includes a lot of Kara Faith. He was an amazing Daddy to Kara Faith. His endurance would have tested the limits of any man. Dedicated and loving and faithful to her he was and is. Thank you for our little girl, Stuart!

I heart Kara Faith

My sweet little Peanut sits on Ms. Teri's lap. I love her in this little heart outfit that her big sister, Celeste, got for her. Right now, some days, I have to remind myself that Kara Faith was here and she was real. I just don't want to forget anything about her...

My New Favorite

She was such a sweet spirit. You can see it here...

Collage of Kara...

Today she has been gone from us for 8 weeks... Kara is sitting on Jesus' lap. What a wonderous thing that must be! I am wearing my purple and awaiting donuts. Enjoy her pictures!

49 Days

Yesterday we celebrated 49 days since Kara Faith went to the arms of Jesus. We wore purple and had donuts. We visited her little "spot" in the "park." Today we march forward... It is the 50th day since she left us and now she has been gone longer than she was with us. My memory of her grows fonder and my faith is being renewed. I can begin to see life beyond the journey we have been walking through. God is faithful. He is in the business of changing hearts and I am praying for Him to lead me (and my family) forward. I am so thankful for Kara and we all miss her, but truly to have her back would be to limit her in this world. She is much better in heaven with my Savior. There she is perfect and lacking nothing. I love you my little Peanut, sweet Kara Faith.

I am still wading through the pictures that we took of her. There are so many and it's hard to look upon many of them. I hope to share a few here and there as the days come. Bless you, everyone, for being such a support to us and we hope that Kara Faith has inspired your trust in Him who made you.

Kara Faith ~ A Testimony

For some time now, I have been wanting to share this testimony. It comes from a dear friend at church who also lost a child from a special condition. Oh how his words have strengthened me over the past weeks! I cried when I typed this up to share with you. May God have all the Glory for my pregnancy with Kara Faith, her tiny life while she was here, and her testimony that goes on...

"We need to acknowledge God when we see him in action. It is important for those who need their faith strengthened (such as myself) to hear, “That is God in action!" God has sovereignly worked in Miss Kara’s life. There are two ways that it is clear (even though we see through a glass darkly for now) that God faithfully demonstrates that Kara is both a heritage from God and a reward!

In 1989 when I had just received the news on the phone that our little one, Amanda Hope, would not live, I was overcome and had to drop everything and go home for the day. As I was driving, I saw a child in the car ahead of me that had Down Syndrome and was climbing over the seat. I realized that our little one would never do something so simple. I actually saw that a child whom even moments before I would have looked down upon-now had advantages that I envied for my own child. At that moment God changed my heart forever in regards to children. I saw that every child, Down Syndrome or otherwise, was indelibly marked with the image of their own Maker—the image of God. Therefore, every child is worthy to be loved and cared for by their parents. Kara has had a powerful impact on all of us around her. As a child created in the image of God, she is a reward of the womb. She is a gift.

Kara is a gift. The Lord, I believe, gave me a picture. It is the picture of a package. A package that when it arrived was wrapped in dark, fearful wrapping paper. There were no lavender ribbons or bows, but instead coarse twine that was tightly knotted over and over. This package is one that no one would have chosen. You, Stu and Nancy, have cut your fingers untying the course harsh knots with rejection from people, difficult decisions, grief and difficult emotions, and even doubt about your own adequacy in regard to your care of Kara. Then you have had to part with her! But as you were able to just slide the twine off and peek inside the package a beam of brilliant light burst forth! Oh my! This package that seemed so awful on the outside is truly a gift. Then as the package was unwrapped further, more and more life and joy of the Lord Jesus Christ continually has enfolded you. Peace, perspective, and courage came forth. The gift contains the fellowship of sharing in the suffering of Christ and obedience to His call in caring for one that the world would have put to death – Miss Kara. For He loves the ones others consider unlovely who are His. Christ died for the ungodly, even ourselves, who were unlovely and should have been unwanted. Our Heavenly Father willingly suffered the loss of His Son for our sins only to receive Him back to be with Him forever. You have lost Kara for now, but by God’s grace she will be with you in Eternity – a wonderful heritage. This seemingly dark and fearful package is a gift that will continually make you more and more like your Savior, Jesus Christ – the Best Kind of Gift, though you initially would never have chosen it. A gift you will continue to open in the years to come."

~written by Christopher Spencer--dear friend, loving husband and father, and fellow member of Abundant Grace

Fridays are Donut Day & Purple Day

Eden Joy (3.5 yrs) with me Every Friday we get donuts in honor of Kara Faith. We started this tradition when she was 1 week old and still in the NICU. We would celebrate each week she was with us with Krispy Kreme Donuts. Yum! Also, since her color is lavender/purple we like to wear it on Fridays. Kara Faith was born on a Friday and went to Jesus on a Friday, so it's a pretty special day around here!

17 Hours

03.26.2010 1 month ago today…

I held my baby girl in my arms for the last time. I rocked her and smelled her little smell. I touched her sweet little head and hands. I kissed her fingers and held them. She gave us an amazing last 17 hours and I wanted to tell that story…

Thursday, February 25th, 2010, we knew that Kara wanted to go home to be with her Big Daddy. Both of us knew. Stu took a shower and put on his date clothes—jeans, oxfords, and a button down shirt. I took a shower and tried to get comfortable after days of hardly any sleep. We called Celeste and told her to go get Jamie at the high school. We had decided that we wouldn’t bag her anymore if she had another apnea episode. We did so for the last time at 1:55 p.m. as the big kids were pulling into the drive-way to say good-bye to their baby sister. We were all here with our nurse, Loretta. We didn’t think Kara Faith would last long because she had been having breathing episodes at least every hour or so and sometimes more. I remember that I couldn’t get that heart/apnea monitor off of her fast enough. I practically threw the thing down and ripped the tight band that encircled her little chest off. I got to hold her without SO many things attached. It was glorious! Kara was on oxygen and had a humidifier. We didn’t take away anything that she needed. (We did turn off the crazy loud humidifier later in the day.) All afternoon we passed her around to all the children and we rocked her and rocked her. We took pictures. Lots of people from Hospice came. Friends from church came. We sang and sang to her. We were going to sing her right into heaven. Meanwhile, she looked lovely. She enjoyed us and it SO much. She cried a little and we fed her. I changed her diaper, her clothes. I remember the chaplain from Hospice came, Father Ralph, and he was moved to tears because he had never seen anything like what we were doing—singing and all of us around her and just enjoying the fellowship, worship, and a tiny baby. Our pastors both came. Friends brought dinner. My brother, Jamie, drove 750 miles and showed up at my door around 9 p.m. to a room full of people singing to a little baby. It was truly amazing!! Our friend, Teri, finally left near 1 a.m. Our nurse, Pat, had come on around 10 or so. Yet hours later, Kara Faith was still here with her family. Finally, it was Stuart and I rocking her alone in the night without any confusion from a busy day. Pat was close encouraging us. Kara started to run a temperature from all of the holding. She had problems regulating her temps anyway, so I was watching it very closely to try to keep her as comfy as possible. I had her wrapped in a blanket that my friend, Teri Garard, made for her. She was wearing a little onesie with purple flowers on it given to her by her big sister, Celeste.

Around 3:40 a.m. I could not physically stay awake anymore. I handed Kara Faith to Stuart in the rocker and Pat watched on. She promised me that she would come at get me as soon as something happened. At about 4:15 a.m. Pat ran into my room and awoke me and said she thought it was time… I awoke FULLY from my sleep and rushed out. Kara had stopped breathing in Stu’s arms, I fell to the chair and layed over her in Stu’s lap and wept. Pat listened to her heart and said it was still beating. Then I asked for my baby. Stu handed her to me and I wept some more. Then, right there, she started breathing again. (By this time I believe it had been a few minutes without breath.) It was like she was just waiting for her momma to get there. Then we thought that maybe she was waiting for her birthday. She turned 7 weeks old at 6:42 a.m. that morning. She gave us almost three more hours to enjoy her sweet spirit. As the sun rose on a new day at 7:00 a.m. Kara Faith took her last breath here and went to be with Jesus. It was a quiet moment. Her daddy was holding her. Then he handed her to me and her heart stopped beating in my arms. So we both held her in that last moment. We both loved her with a fierce kind of love that only a parent can have. I can ONLY imagine how God loves us if we love our children this way. When I received Kara Faith’s diagnosis back in August 2009 I knew that it would never be enough. That I would never have enough time with her. I also knew that God had numbered her days perfectly. So after 45 days in the NICU and 4 days at home, our sweet baby girl got to go Home. Kara Faith gave us that last 17 hours to truly enjoy her. She possessed the sweetest spirit. We were truly given a GOOD gift. I will NEVER be the same…

Taking Refuge

Kara Faith's Temporary Marker

(Many thank you's to the City of Newberry and North FL Monument!)

I can still feel her in my arms when I look at this...

Feelings are pretty rough over here. It is a true effort to rise each day and do all the "normal" stuff we are to be doing. God gave me Psalm 16 last night when we were praying...

"Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge.
I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing." (verses 1-2)

"LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken." (vs. 5-8)

Friday

This morning was just like last Friday morning when Kara went to Jesus--bright, clear, cold. I awoke at 6:57 and watched the clock turn 7:00. I tried to remember every moment. I rocked her in the chair for 1 1/2 hours after she died. I didn't want to put her down... Stu held her for awhile and then Teri, Jeanie, and Pat fixed her up. I gave her a bath and dressed her in her polka dots. I wrapped her in a blanket and then I rocked her some more before Ashley Milam came. I walked her out in the winter cold and sunny bright to the van. I gave her to her Daddy one last time. He placed her on Ashley's lap in the waiting van at 11:00. It seems like forever ago...

I wish I could feel the weight of her precious body again. I miss her so much! I can hear her little squeaks when she cried and her breathing. I can feel her fingers wrapped around mine. I loved her yawns, her sweet toes, and her smell. I mourn with HOPE as I know she is with my Savior and I will see her again. Someone recently told me that a baby in Heaven doesn't fill empty arms. So true...

Kara's Celebration Slideshow

(Please scroll down to the bottom of the page and pause Kara's music to watch the slideshow.)

I love you, Peanut!

Dear Lord,

Thank you for the precious gift of Kara Faith! My arms ache for her, my soul cries out for her, but I rejoice in her now being with You. Truly, I have heard her tiny voice whispering in my spirit, “I love you, Mommy.” I love you, too, little peanut. I love you, too...

Mommy

I wanted to say...

Months ago, as I was searching for information on HPE online, I decided to start a blog for Kara Faith. God led me to tell her story to encourage others who may, in the future, go through similar trials. In my wildest dreams I never imagined what impact Kara’s little life would have on so many people! Only God could do that! I am so humbled to have been part of God’s plan. I feel so blessed to have had the privilege of being Kara’s mommy and to be able to share her story. My sincerest hope is that Kara Faith has inspired hope and increased the faith of many. Our tiny baby has strengthened my marriage, grown my own faith in Jesus, and has shown me how completely in control God is—and it is good! There is no need to waste time on fear for He has ordered everything down to the last detail. Remember this, in Psalm 139 it says that God has gone before you and behind you and knows all of your ways.

My Little Treasure

I washed her beautiful little body with baby soap.

I dressed her in the polka dot outfit her sister bought her.

I wrapped her in a soft blanket that was a gift from a dear friend.

And I carried her out to the waiting van.

I will never hold her in my arms here on this earth again.

Oh, how I miss my little peanut...

Today, I will see her little body again...

but it won't be the same.

My little treasure is in heaven.

Tomorrow, we celebrate her life!